focus

i cant seem to focus anymore in school.

i think its because of the lack of pride. i cant even write what i used to firmly believe in before in this school paper. its like in order to write, you have to be passionate in what you believe in what you want to convey to your audience, and this is through pride. 
the only thing i just want is to be completely immersed into God, possibly through the studies of the word, worship, and prophetic ministry. i just cant seem to focus, i dont even know what happened. its like all of a sudden, that drive to get a professional career after school, VANISHED! gone.

maybe its because i chose to work instead of school as soon as i graduated highschool, and during the time i was working, it helped me realize what i want to do, and emphasize professionalism facets into improving personal ethics for my own life. 

i dont know about you, but i just cant seem to go to work anymore, maybe this is why i have lost all drive to seek employment, like as if i just dont care anymore. 

perhaps it was that missions trip i came back from in ecuador, its like i get more out of what im doing for helping people rather than being at work doing logistics or sitting behind a computer in an office in making sure business gets solid. 

i dont know where my heart is in right now. i am lost. but i am however trying to surrender my entire self to God, because in my faith i believe that i will find the answer to what puzzles me. whether it be personal life or professional career track. I dont know what is my calling, i dont know the answers. i am multi-talented in many arts (dance, music, theatre, film, etc.) although i just dont know and would like to know how i can be used. 

i dont know. i just cant seem to pay attention to the worldly things, because i guess after figuring out how society works, its so materialistic that i just cant seem to be as passionate as people want to be. im not into cars, or clubbing, or all that stuff, i mean dont get me wrong i aint perfect, i’ll come maybe once in a while to just get out of the house, but really, i just cant seem to be like everyone else, i dont know what it is. i drive in a crappy car, but its my baby. 

i just dont really feel like trying, right now im at the point in my life where im just going with the flow on this one, following where the wind takes me. taking initiative vs letting it fall onto my lap. cuz u kno how God always has a way and theres always a reason why you met this person or why you see or meet or experience things in life. 

i just sort of stopped caring about trying to make things work that i just let things be, and maybe it will come full circle, u gnome sane?
im in school now though, but i think the only reason for me to finish school is for security. although its contradicting in trusting God with all my heart. Yet honestly, i really cant see myself working for a company or corporate job. I see myself as two things, either travelling the world or starting my own business in design. 

but even that (the business), i wouldnt want to be completely consumed by work, its just not as fulfilling as helping people. 

i guess what i am saying, is to please pray for me that i may find the answer to this deep inquiry and help me get back that focus I need to persist in my studies.

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