I am confused: what is selfishness?

thought about this today…
+selfishness or self intent leads to sin, after sinned leads to arrogance, after arrogance consumption leads to foolish pride.
+selflessness or love leads to being closer with Jesus, leading into righteousness, leading into honor, leading into attributes of character & strength (consecration).

When I look at being a sinner, I think of King Herod.
When I think of consecration, I think of a soldier in Christ.
Now I have to keep reminding myself, Do I really want to become another King Herod? or do I want to become a Soldier of Christ who will rise up nations and help his comrades?

why is it that there are only two extremities, there is never a in-betweener. there is only bad and good. God & Devil. Heaven & Hell. everytime I sin, i notice i slowly become the “bad”. and on some days when I put my 2 eyes only in Him, i become “good”. there is never a moment where I’m in between. weird. how strange yet it makes so much sense why God designed the mechanical functionality like that.

thought about this yesterday…
So if cartoons are in 2 dimensional form, and we are in three dimensions, then God must be like 6th dimension??
because since God is omniscient, then really look at it from His perspective. for example, your life and the world and everything about the world is a comic strip, and He is looking at the comic strip. that makes sense why He is omniscient. but isnt it strange how the paths you or I take in life, there was a reason and why I or you took that path? (as if He intended our destiny). What if i took this path? or took a different route? I still end up and meet the way He intended it! maddd strange. because earlier several days ago, I sinned right, i dont know why, i just did it, foreal everytime flesh is weak and spirit is willing. anyways back to my story, im driving at 3AM in DC, got really lost, so i decided to take a short cut and cut through the back alleys, then i see an advertisement sign with letters saying “Come to Jesus”. Sure realistically it mightve been an ad for a church, but i was really pondering about it more and more, Why did I have to see that sign? (Hebrews 2)
Why couldnt i have just taken a shortcut without any signs and just go straight to my destination? Seriously it makes me think alot.
Then I turned on the radio, 91.9FM came on automatically, listening to a woman talking, saying that Jesus will hunt you down, block you into a corner, and will pester you until you’re convinced that all He just wants is a relationship with you.
Then I thought about what I learned a few days ago at church about where the only difference between Christianity and other religions is that. In Christianity, God seeks people. Whereas other religions, people seek their gods. thats when it dawned upon me, hmm. Jesus is real love.

so im thinking about selfishness more in depth. that means everything i do is selfish. even trying to be selfless is selfish??
because its like if u give away your money to a homeless person, its selfish because it gives you a sense of satisfaction inside your heart to know you made a difference, isnt that also self intent, it kind of makes a little sense to me in depth. its confusing.

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