found happiness

This is my life story:

 

All I just want is to find happiness.

Lately I have been feeling very stressed out.
It was this incredible journey in my Christian walk that eventually came up to this point where I am at now. Now really finding out who I really am and the reason why I was born this way.
Knowing myself even more deeper than the surface, knowing what Im truly passionate about, knowing what my passions are, why I think the way I do, why my perspective is far more unique than majority, why am I so unique individual, why was I gifted with so many talents than the average person, why am I a natural born leader, and why am I so secure with who I am that I am so comfortable in my own skin.

The whole stress factoid was stirred up through ministries.
Institutionalism, Pagan Christianity Ministries that took a toll on my life.

All I really want is to just be myself in this world. But everywhere I go, I get attacked for it.
Everytime I set foot into a church, ministry, small group, fellowship, seminar, conference, community meeting, hops, I get judged and receive an abundant of condescending prayers & verses that don’t even apply to my problems.

I never asked for any of this. Judging does no help at all. The only person that should be judging me is God.

Everytime I open this mouth, people always feel the need to have a say in my life, as if they understand me, but they DON’T and I am so tired of being accused for the wrong reasons. These Christians do not know whats in my heart and instead jump to conclusions from assumptions on the surface.

And it’s like I have to prove my faith to Christians in order to be “accepted” into their society EVERYTIME!
It’s like a popularity contest, it’s like HIGHSCHOOL allover again! Seriously, it’s getting on my nerves.
I never knew so many are insecure. That people need structure in order for them to feel comfortable with each other and permission slips in order for “relationships” to work.
It’s sooooo STUPID that I just cannot deal with this stupid stupid stupid annoying mentality that they have created.
It’s like I have to take a Test with 20 questions, and the proctors judging my score, is actually the church and pastors judging my every move & faith in order to be accepted into their church. It’s as if they need these rules of submission in order for me to be conformed into their “way”. And in order for our “friendship” to exist or have them at least listen to me as a person.

True friendships are NOT centered around common beliefs. True friendships are centered around LOVE.
So if my beliefs are not the same as your theological beliefs. It does not mean we cannot be friends still in Christ. It also does not mean we cannot have fellowship. I am still here and it really IRKS me when people do not understand true ethics and is brainwashed by what the “power structure” tells them instead.

Fellowship isn’t fellowship at all anymore. It’s all circumference around institutionalism.
I’ve tried many many times reaching out to people in order to pursue forgiveness & gracious love objective in fellowship, yet that can only be settled if I come only to meet them at the institutionalized church. You have my phone number, facebook, email, and you know exactly where I live. Why do I need to go to the church in order for us to maintain fellowship?

Do you even realize that “church” is not a building but the church is you?
It’s a power hungry manipulation control factor on judgement. It’s all about conformity.
What all this is really doing is just setting up barriers and rules. So in order for “institutionalized fellowship” to exist, I need to stop being myself and conform into the institutionalized church’s shape? How the HEK is that HEALTHY? Did Jesus want that for me?

I’ve tried all denominations. From charismatics/ renewalists/ Pentecostals/ radicals to the Baptists/ Presbyterians/ Methodists/ Lutherans. And when it all came down to it. All of them still had institutionalism as the gravity center.

I don’t even want to go to IHOP/YWAM anymore bc knowingly they also have this institutionalism concept as the core.

And everytime I write a blog like this, People think I am complaining. When all I am is speaking my mind! Trying to be an EYE OPENER to what’s really going on in this world

I get it now. IT ALL MAKES SENSE! The only reason people think that I’m ranting, is because they do not care what I have to say and will only absorb the surface, and not get to know me deeper than the surface, and judge me for what im saying. And then jump the gun and call me a complainer.

Garrett once told me, “you will get judged regardless”. Kevin once told me, “Everyone in this world will always make an opinion, that’s just mechanics”. P once told me, just “take it with a grain of salt”. Nate says, “it’s a self esteem issue”. Tony says, “why do you care so much what people think?”.

And with all that taken into consideration.

I am making the decision to not be around people anymore socially. I do not want to socialize anymore. I see no absolute point. I do not even want to get into this “fellowship”. I am just going to be a hermit.

Why? Because It’s BETTER than feeling so angry, stressed, and disappointed every single day.
You cannot put your faith in people. No matter if they are your closest friends or even your blood.

NO ONE understands me and NOBODY knows me truly. The only person who really gets me is Jesus.

I am so much happier being a hermit. As I have always been before. I love being alone bc It is so quiet and peaceful. And I don’t have to deal with people always trying to judge me on how I act or what I say.
And it’s not the fact that I don’t hate people nor am I not a people person. I am still open to fellowship. Just Not in the way of institutionalized fellowship, bc THAT’s NOT REAL FELLOWSHIP.
And I am not lonely at all. I have Jesus.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
– Henry David Thoreau

And it’s not the fact that I don’t like socializing, just like the quote above, I just like to be productive with my time spent. I don’t like to sit around and bojangle. I like to MAKE MOVES.

And that’s just what I’ve learned lately. Somehow God has led me right back into art. He showed me that art is my eternal happiness. That I do not need to depend on people for the answer or security. That all I really need is the gift He embedded me with since birth: artistry.
There was a reason why I am born on this earth, even though I think about suicide alot bc I am so SICK of this world trying to tell you what to do and judge you. I have still not yet pulled the trigger, bc I always ask myself why am I still here on the earth. If God really wanted me to die, I would have died right now. Lighting could have struck me down, or a tree fallen on me, or a car accident, or plane crash, or hurricane, or tornado, or drowned. And out of all the crazy near death experiences ive had in the past, I am still alive. So I found the reason a couple of weeks ago.
The reason is that God embedded the perception DNA inside me, so no wonder why I see things differently than most people do. and the only way people to really understand how I view the world is through my art.

And that’s just what I’m going to do.
Stick to my passions, keep to myself (since everyone loves judging me), make moves, jesus, and just hermitize.

peace

PS:
i dont need to go to some great ministry organization (ihop/ywam) for opportunities to open doors to my goals. God will provide that in my walk. 

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