arrogantly arrogant

arrogantly arrogant i am.

how do you accept a gift that God wants to give to you? when you know you do not deserve the gift because of how great a sinner you are?

Seems like God just wants to keep on giving me more gifts.

and seems like i keep telling myself i cannot accept His offer, even if He does insist as sincerely and genuinely.

It’s almost like i am too arrogant in knowing that im arrogant that i cant accept His gift for me.

what a funny ironic!

it’s the enemy whispering to me lies.

for example.

God all of a sudden magically reveals to me a girl.

And she stares at me and is very kind to me.

But i walk away. Telling myself I am not even ready to be engaged in a relationship, i am too broken, i am too much of a sinner, i struggle with pride alot. how in the hek could i even begin to be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship if my heart is not there yet. i am still selfish & prideful & resentment & angry man.

until i realized this today: no one is perfect.

for a long time i thought to be a perfect parent, the parent already knows how to take care of a child, how to teach a child, etc. the parent is the master. bc they taught themselves or learned how to prepare for the worst. and thats what ive been training for, bc right now i am not capable of having a child, bc i am a child. but learning how to teach my future kids.

until i realized that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. thats what parenting is for. we are supposed to learn mistakes and make mistakes. so accidents will happen. so bad parenting will happen. thats the only way to learn from it. so there is no point to even try to distant yourself more and more to become the perfect parent, bc the perfect parent isnt portrayed through actions, its portrayed through unconditional love: having a servant’s heart.

that also goes the same for perfect boyfriend or perfect husband.

there is no such thing. we are supposed to fall and argue, and fight.

so i have been listening to the enemy all this time, thought that i was not ready to be in a relationship bc of where i stand right now in my pride.

but ive been fooled and believed in lies.

the more i keep distancing myself to try hard to not be involved in a relationship, the more i will not know my full potential as a man and what it means be to a son of the most High.

bc what i realized. at the end of the day, everyone wants to be loved.

so how can a man live a solo life for the rest of his life? a son wont know what love is if he does not fall in love. that is why God made woman for a reason, not just man to feel lonely, but to be his “HELPER”. to HELP man become the LOVING SON he can be.

ive never been in love. i only the science of love, the theory of love.

i’ve been trying hard to know what love feels like. trying hard to change, be selfless, be kind. but that’s just it. what i realized. i cannot learn this thing on my own. it’s NOT a lone ranger ordeal. it’s a CO-OP thing.

and the only way i can truly understand this is through relationship with a female.

because i am still a physical being. and a man to a God relationship can only go so far in understanding aspects. but it really registers comprehension when man (physical being) can relate to another physical being (woman).

If Jesus was here in physical form, then yes it would be totally understood. but since God is spiritual being, it’s very hard to understand. but it takes alot of work.

to really train understanding in christ walk, man + master (God.)
its possible, can be done. but i know God never wanted that for man. that’s why eve was created. He loved us so much that he wanted us to cultivate love inside.

woman (helper) to man = to cultivate love (God)

i get it now.

 

okay. but why do i feel like i keep making excuses for myself?

for example. im unemployed, no degrees, not in the best shape of my life, my spiritual walk needs ALOT of work, im still PRIDEFUL like no other, i have anger issues, and i still live with my parents.

so maybe i cannot be in marriage right now. but maybe just a friendship. not even girlfriend/boyfriend. just a friend. to help guide me into a better spiritual walk.

bc a woman only knows one thing, love.

a man does not, man only knows action.

and a woman always desires to be loved.

and im at that point too, i desire to know what love is.

i do not want to live the rest of my life as a selfish person and to not know what love is.

 

okay i will trust in you lord. help me to understand better. and be more aware of whats going on. help me to think fast on my feet. and help me give up my PRIDE, cause it’s tearing  me apart.

i want to change. i do not want to be the same angry prideful arrogant person ive been for the last 28yrs. I want to be a new albert. I want to be a loving forgiving person please

I know this is not an overnight process. Hopefully i will get there soon.

Peace

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