So I stopped going to church for 3 months, bc i hated the institutionalism systematics.
Met a guy who had a ministry against institutional ministry. I got so deep into it, that the thing I realize now is that it was never about trying to change the system, bc not every church is PERFECT. Ther e is no such thing as a perfect church, we are all sinners. So there should be no reason to shout against it. we all know how hurt you and I were. Ive been there, being rebuked/ attacked by the institutional ministry. I could not see eye to eye with them with their condescending prayers. And all this conformity I just did not like.
I just wanted to be loved for just being myself. Instead of people using the word to judge me.
But it made me very recluse. I was very very lonely. And I was about to accept it. if this is wat life is, to accept a life without love, and without people, and with as much distance. So be it
Man what a terrible month that has been. It was destroying me.
It gave me more pride and more anger.
And my spiritual walk was dissipating.
And so God spoke to me, told me, be aware of what you are becoming.
And I realized that. A Christian means to be a lover. So what kind of Christian am I becoming if I don’t love the ones who hurt me?
What a fake Christian I am. What kind of Christian wants to shout at the system instead of loving them? That is slander. I was doing this out of self glory. Bc I was lonely. I was unaware at the fact that I was LONELY, that I was posting more and more slanderous things against the ministry so I can get more praise to feel appreciated. Bc at the end of the day, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LOVED. And since I was living a lone ranger life, that’s what I seeked. But it was not working for me through what I was becoming. A LONE WOLF IS UNHEALTHY. It killed my mentality.
So I asked myself. Do I want to live for the rest of my life without complete content in love? All for what? The sake of my pride and what I believe in MY OWN THOUGHTS what I think is right? Instead of for others? That’s not real love. That’s GARBAGE.
Whats more important? LOVE VS PRIDE?
Do I really wanna rott myself til i become the most prideful person there is?
NO I refuse that.
And so I went back to church. After a couple of weeks of church. Trying to get deeper into community, a brother prayed for me. A part of me couldn’t take his prayer seriously as he did. So I was aware of the demons trying to consume my thinking. This entire week mon through Sunday. I just committed myself to the lord. There aren’t enough hours in a day to worship, pray, read the word, commit yourself to God fully with a hectic schedule of school and working out and work.
But I did it. and I feel a lot better. I am back. But I do not have God’s love yet. I am still struggling with a lot of anger and pride. Pain and suffering. My weakness. Bc im a justice heart. I have no self control. No patience. I am a rebellious mofo. I hate authority. I have a short fuse.
If someone says something to me, I am quick to release a fist.
But I do not want to live a life like that in the future for the rest of my life. I’ve lived that life for almost 28yrs. So I just don’t wanna do it anymore.
I wanna change. I wanna get married. I wanna have good kids. I wanna grow old. And I wanna know how to love.
But it just would not be possible if I keep letting my pride consume me.
So this is where I stand now.
All the people that judged/rebuked me before at the institutional ministry.
This is what I realize now. They were right all along, they were right to rebuke me bc of how arrogant I was. However there could have been a far better way to rebuke me than putting me on blast in public. But it’s okay, bc I need to learn how to love, so I forgave myself and forgave them and Jesus came and forgave me.
I need to MOVE FORWARD and stop having resentment against these people. There is no reason to confront them about it now, its been bugging me about it for years. But now I see no point to confront them if Jesus CAME and FORGAVE.
I FORGAVE YOU. SO there is no point to bring up the past. It’s been done.
But you were right institutional ministry. You were right to rebuke me bc I was sooo arrogant in the past.
And im learning now.
It is possible to meet Jesus alone without church.
But it is IMPOSSIBLE to know God’s love without church.
bc the church is the body of Christ.
Do I like how the institutional ministry relies on manipulated systematics to pursue conformity? NO.
But I’m putting my pride to the side so I can learn how to LOVE.