the fake christian life

if the thought of having resentment & hatred for people is murder to God. 
then I am Cain and i have killed Abel a thousand times. 

what a fake christian life i have lived. 

what it means to be a christian means to be a lover. 

How can one be a REAL christian if i still have resentment against those. 

Matthew 18:21-35

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

I am a FAKE CHRISTIAN. my heart is a COLD lump of COAL. 

i am trying to know what it means to love. i only understand the idea of love and the science of love, but i have not yet experienced it which makes alot of sense why i am incapable to love. 

my god i am a disgusting SELFISH & NARCISSISTIC person I’ve become. 

I could never choose to live a life to love only God & not love my brothers and sisters. that’s sooo FAKE, cant fake the funk anymore. 
never realized i have sooo much pain inside me, and it’s gonna take a long time to empty out all the evil inside my heart. i have a long long way to go. 

it would be greatly appreciative if anyone could gimme a prayer in this new revelational journey.


please Jesus teach me how to love GENUINELY & SINCERELY & HONESTLY.

without it being self driven, egocentric, or gain applause from people, limelight cameo, image, intelligence theological knowledge, judgemental, anger issue, or holding onto my self pride. I really want to know what a “caring heart” feels like.



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