Peeling Onion Layers

this has nothing to do with conformity of rules, nor rebellious of authority/ institutionalized systematics or policy guidelines or category labels.

its about ninja training. training yourself to be one of God’s mighty retinue. How do you see Michael the Archangel or Little David for example? In my eyes i do not see them whiskering away in lust, profanity, drunkeness, etc twenty four seven three sixty five. Yes many soldiers in Christ & prophets have all gone through that, all of them have fallen. But just bc something is considered wrong to do based under “policy”, does it mean to just do what you feel like? 

i am learning alot about a new ninja training. the next level to test your ninja training is trying to know your true potential through the compromise and challenge of fellowship & circumstances no matter how difficult they can be. 
i can go ahead and choose not to go to church bc i dont see eye to eye with their principals. but does my own beliefs in code of conduct really even matter? or does cultivating love of Jesus matter?

I can choose to not be apart of football fantasy they have at church just bc i hate sports. Or i can choose to set aside what I would rather do in my productive time all for the sake to know what God’s love is and know how to love in fellowship. 
what’s more important here, my pride or love?

i could very well choose to live a single life for the rest of my life if i wanted to. But how will i know my true potential of what it means to be a man in this life without knowing what a woman can bring to my walk. 

i could very well walk out the door bc how stressful and dysfunctional my family is. but i ask myself, what’s more important here, trying to live a stress-free life for myself or trying to make things work with my family and learning how to cultivate the oil & harness the lamp. do i give up and leave? or do i learn how to cope with the pain, bc knowingly it will strengthen me in the end?

even if i knew that i already have salvation. does that validate me to go back into desiring lust and having a porno collection & go back to the bar scene and get back into the drug scene? yes i would have salvation, but to continue to do the same old ways would contradict my walk and therefore the point to not have a better life would be pointless. there are things you need to do in order to have a better life for yourself. i ask myself would i like it if my future wife was a drunk and loved drinking? would my future kids like it if i cussed a storm whenever i felt like it or whenever i disagreed or got angry at something? how would that influence the family in the long run? would that impact positive growth? 

everyone has a different purpose on the earth. Perhaps your purpose is doing your ministry against institutionalized system. But for me i really like training whether it be mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, societal, personal.
I am the kind of guy who likes it when people yell at me or is physical with me kind of like intense military training maybe its bc how i was raised that a “spanking” was more than a disciplinary action but a motivation tool to build strong character.

how will i know my true potential of strength (not adaptation/ nor physical strength) as God’s knight if i continue to keep walking out the door if something i just dont agree to nor believe in conformity of rules?

i’m just trying to peel my onion layers so i can go back to my true self when i was very little. when i was a kid i didnt even speak filthy & i saw and approached everyone in love bc i had a loving heart since the day i was born. i was always true to myself. its the world that has confused me. and im just really trying to get back to that point again.

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